Every time I post about my latest thoughts on the future of my career, Carter calls to ask me for more information. He did again last night, after yesterday’s cryptic post about the multiple options I’m considering. The weird part was that I had a really hard time elaborating. I haven’t felt so tongue-tied in a long time.
I know that I have done a lot of things, visited a lot of places, and met a lot of people in my life thus far. Despite my experiences, change terrifies me. Nothing is anywhere near certain, all I’m doing is pondering a few things, and already the mere idea of major career change is freaking me out. There is a part of me dying to talk to everyone about my ideas, and hear what they think, and discuss my options. But there’s also a part that doesn’t want to tell anyone or discuss anything, for fear of making up my mind based on someone else’s opinion. I want to make sure that when I do make a change, it’s one that I know I decided on.
I know I complain about my job, but I should make it clear that I do realize that I am in a very good situation here in Houston. My job is extremely stable, I earn enough money to do basically whatever I want, the benefits are almost unbeatable. And I do like my job. I have many of the same frustrations of any job, but I get to do very cool stuff. I realize this. I completely understand this.
Also in that vein is the fact that though there are things about Houston that I would change (weather, flatness, proximity to outdoor adventure), I really, really like the life I have created for myself here. The soccer games, the races, the wide circle of friends, the Astros. I’ve built a very comfortable situation for myself in Houston, and the longer I’m here the harder I think it would be to leave…
I have decided to definitely apply for the JSC Fellowship. This is both exciting and nerve-wracking, the latter because it means I have to sit down and have some talks with my management. I like my management, and have no problem cracking jokes with them or talking to them about baseball, the weather, my projects, etc. But I get so nervous and anxious when it comes to talking about my job and my future here. I think it’s partly because I’m always anticipating the “where do you want to be in five years” question, and I really don’t have a great answer. I’m not sure where I want to be in five years.
Growing up, I always had a plan, even if it was very generalized. As a teenager the plan was to graduate high school and go to college. At Georgia Tech, the plan was to go to graduate school and get a Ph.D. and become a professor. It was at Stanford that the plans slowly began to dissolve. I decided to leave with just my Master’s degree and the plan morphed into moving to Houston and working at JSC.
Now I find myself having been here almost three years, and not knowing what the next step in the plan is. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know where I want to go.
