i’m a well-adjusted, intelligent person, and yet there are still some things that leave me feeling like a 5-year-old. i let my feelings be hurt. and i can’t make decisions.
i agonized all weekend over what to do now that debbie has found a new place to live, thus negating plans for her to live with nick and me. on saturday, i decided that it would probably be best for me to stay on my own. i went over to the apartment complex office to find out what my options were, because i don’t want to leave my current place, and yet i need to save money.
last night i laid in bed tossing and turning until after midnight. on my mind was the fact that i am moving. yes, moving, most likely at the end of august, though it might not be until the end of september. not far, in fact only about 200 feet, from my apartment in building 8 to one in building 9. the new apartment is smaller, thus its rent is cheaper. i’ll save $220 a month, plus a bit on electricity since there’s less square footage to heat and air condition.
i know this is a good, sound decision, and that it is the smart thing to do. and yet i can’t help but feel like i’m admitting defeat. as if i’m saying that i can’t afford my current place, when i can. as if moving is admitting that i made a mistake by moving into my current apartment, in all its luxuriousness. which is all just one big mind game my brain is playing with itself, but still.
i love my current apartment. absolutely love it. when i move to the smaller one, i know there will be a period when i miss this one, and probably when i regret moving. next spring, when i have enough money to buy a new car, i’ll know that i made the right decision. but right now it makes me a little sad.
it sucks when something is bothering you, and you have no one you feel like you can share it with. the move, and a few other things, are on my mind and no one can fix them but me. i know this, and yet i still wish i could pass the dilemmas off to someone else.
(2:14 p.m.)
i want to go to california. work has been too dull this summer.
i was/am so caught up in my own little sagas that i forgot to comment earlier on lance armstrong’s fifth tour de france win. i watched the rebroadcast last night on the outdoor tv station, and smiled. for the past couple years i’ve cultivated a mini-obsession with lance armstrong, and i suppose this win won’t do anything to diminish it. i find him fascinating. that’s all.
anyway, congrats to lance, wherever he is. (well, he’s in france of course, but you know what i mean.)
friday night leila and i went to the counting crows/john mayer concert. it was good, but i’ve seen both better, the former at the tabernacle in atlanta in 1999 and the latter at the backyard in austin last year. the crowd wasn’t really into it, which could have just been a factor of where we were sitting (way back on the lawn), but i’m not sure. and the sound was a bit off; there were times when adam duritz sounded tunnel-ish, and when i couldn’t hear john mayer fooling around on his guitar. a bit frustrating. but overall, fun. it was good to see leila. when we get together, there is always much laughter and reminiscing.