I have spent most of this year, and particularly the last couple months, simultaneously having a great time with family and friends — baseball games! fall festivals! holiday activities! quilt festivals! — and also feeling like I am slowly drowning under the weight of a zillion things both enormous and tiny. It is a confusing dichotomy that I find difficult to explain. Instead, I walk around as a mixture of confusion, excitement, grumpiness, exhaustion, and satisfaction…never being quite sure which attitude is going to appear.
Example: Jose mentioned potential travel plans for next summer, and travel is a fun thing! But instead of getting excited, I just felt stressed out and overwhelmed by the idea of having to pick dates and find accommodations and make decisions.
So. Many emotions and attitudes, and none of them seem to go together! Am I burned out? Is this just what this stage of life is? I am left feeling like I can’t continue like this forever, so something has to give soon, but I’m not sure what or when that will be.
People give me advice. Sleep more. Quilt less. Focus on your family. And so I try those things — I go to bed earlier, I have been doing less quilting all year, we have had a ton of family time. But frankly, it doesn’t seem to make a difference, and even when I try to make plans, they often go up in smoke.
Example: The girls were supposed to go to day camp Monday and Tuesday, and I was going to get the house ready for Thanksgiving and maybe do a fun thing for me like get a pedicure. But Charlotte is sick and Emma is getting over being sick so they both stayed home and we spent 2 hours at the pediatrician and it rained for 2 days and SIGH. (Thankfully it is “just” strep, which is quickly remedied with antibiotics.)
Life just feels like A LOT, and has felt that way for a while. Rest. Sleep. Movement. Meditation? Letting things go. I know what to do in theory, but in practice it’s another story.
In any case, here is a happy picture! We took a spontaneous day off a few weeks ago to go downtown to the Astros World Series victory parade. That was really fun, and definitely a family activity we’ll remember for a long time.
(Perhaps my general malaise is because my expectations are too high? Life has its ups and downs, we all know this. Perhaps I am letting the downs carry too much weight, and not focusing enough on the ups?)
I took several additional planned days off from work in the last month for quilty things — teaching workshop in Brenham and Lufkin, and going to Quilt Market and Quilt Festival. These were all good things too, but now I feel behind at work, which is yet another thing for my brain to stress about. The pace does tend to slow down slightly around the holidays since our program is still in development (i.e. not operating 24/7 like the space station or currently flying around the moon like Orion), so that is helpful at least.
Another good thing: Jose’s family is coming to our house this year for Thanksgiving. It’s only the third time since I started dating Jose that we haven’t gone to Corpus Christi for the holiday, and the other two times were once when I was working a shuttle mission, and then in 2020 because of covid. I am a little stressed by the desire to make sure everyone is comfortable and happy and having a good time, but I am also excited to host, and happy that we are not the ones traveling this year.
The next few days will be hectic, but in a good way I hope. Related: I recently (like, just this past week) heard someone talk about “the fun scale” and I can’t get it out of my head because it is so true and relatable. I think hosting Thanksgiving is likely a mix of Type I fun — enjoyable while it’s happening — and Type II fun — not as fun in the moment, but enjoyable in retrospect.
Here’s hoping for as much Type I fun as possible!
Take care Sarah, and show yourself some grace. I think we all struggle with similar stresses to some degree. I hope you can relax and enjoy your Thanksgiving day with family.
Side note: I enjoyed listening to your podcast with The Quilter on Fire.
Best wishes,
Emily
A really honest post. I enjoy your writing a lot. Now my 50 cents worth. I remember being somewhere about your age. My hormones started shifting around and leaving me feeling just as you described. Be kinder to yourself knowing it’s just going to be this way for a bit. It won’t last forever. And you are accomplishing a lot. But it’s a different stage. Hugs. B.
I hear you, take care in whatever form works for you.
I have no advice. Life. Adulting. It just feels harder for me lately too.
I will say planning vacations has not been as joyful and fun for me the last few years as it used to be. It just feels stressful. So one idea. Tell Jose to plan your summer trip and surprise you. But resist any urge to micromanage, be ok with turning up to the vacation and playing it by ear off his plans. The only input you need is which days to take off of work and what type of clothes to pack for you and the kids. I say this having never given up that kind of control over a vacation myself. But it sounds kind of nice.
In case it makes you feel better: I think I can relate to the dichotomy that you describe about being “good” busy and feeling stressed out (and I for sure have a lot less going on in my life than you do). I was wondering if it might be Covid related, as we were forced to “slow down” and now feel overwhelmed by things picking up again?
Anyway, I hope you had a lot of type I fun and enjoyed hosting Thanksgiving at your house!
You are amazing, talented, kind and loving. First thing to remember, is Be Kind to Yourself. Second thing, make an appointment for a physical. Complete physical. Thyroid, hormones, vitamin levels, etc. Been there. Done that. When one thing is out of whack, everything seems to be “not quite right.”
It’s okay to have ups and down times. It can’t always be perfect and I just try to take it day by day when I am having down times. This summer and fall was really hard for me for similarly inexplicable reasons. My best explanation is that we are fully coming out of the pandemic when there was just less going on, less to do, less expectation to do everything and be everywhere and without the grace that people were extending each other early on in the pandemic. I hear so many people feeling the same way. We are all burned out and still not past the stresses of the past few years. Hang in there and I love you sis!
I really appreciate you sharing your experience! From the outside, you seem like a superhero — amazing creativity, interesting and serious job, dedicated parent and partner. I work hard to do any bit of one of those things! So, as many have already said, be kind to yourself, and do what feels right to you, and it’s ok if you choose to or feel you have to let some things be unfinished or not even started. Thanks for being open!