“Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry.”
Last week I had a medical appointment, and was chatting with my doctor. She mentioned that a certain minor symptom I’ve been having could be caused by stress, but then said “you don’t really strike me as the type of person who stresses a lot.”
It’s always interesting to get a glimpse of yourself through the eyes of another person. I think my doctor is right, in a sense — I don’t generally show stress or anxiety, at least not outwardly. I think I am more even-keeled, emotionally, than the average person. (My parents, particularly my mom, are like this as well.)
I do feel stress and anxiety though, and if anything, I have felt significantly MORE stress and anxiety in the last 5-10 years than I did when I was younger. There are many reasons — covid (obviously), politics, general world events and a feeling of hopelessness about my ability to meaningfully make a difference in any of that.
Jose and I were talking about this last night, and he told me about something he’d read on happiness at various stages of life. According to one study, the average person’s happiness hits its lowest point at age 47.2 (so specific!). The article attributes this in part to the fact that somewhere in our 40s, we start to realize we can’t or won’t achieve all of the goals and dreams we once had.*
I turned 44 a few weeks ago and it’s interesting to note that my perceived “happiness level” over time loosely aligns with this research. I wouldn’t blame it on lack of achievement — I am reasonably satisfied with what I’ve done in my life thus far. But I’d definitely say that my late 30s and 40s have featured a growing number of THINGS that occupy my time and my mind.
An obvious factor is my family. As a 20-something, I only had to worry about myself. As a 40-something, I have three other people whose happiness and well-being is also extremely important to me. I’m raising kids and maintaining a healthy relationship, both of which take real effort. (Effort that is 100% worthwhile, but effort nonetheless.) There’s the big stuff — are we raising our kids to be good humans? There’s the small stuff — how can I get this kid to eat a freaking vegetable? When Jose or the girls are upset or worried or stressed, that bleeds onto me…even if it’s something that is 100% out of my control.
And then there’s the other stuff. I’ve climbed a few rungs on the career ladder at this point, and have a different level of responsibility than I did as an entry-level engineer. My parents are happy and healthy and I’m so thankful for that, but they’re not getting younger and I want to spend time with them, which is made harder by the life choices that mean they are 1000 miles away. I’m maintaining a house and yard. I’m trying to see friends once in a blue moon. I’m obsessing about my quilting.
It’s a lot. One could probably make an argument that people in their 40s, on average, have more on their plate — young-ish kids, aging parents, smack in the middle of a career, etc. (To be fair, this could also be a vast generalization.)
Ultimately though, I decided that if this is my life’s low point in terms of happiness…that’s an overwhelmingly good thing. I’m stressed, I’m anxious, I’ve got miscellaneous aches and pains that I didn’t have before, but overall, I’m good.
So. Perspective? I doubt my doctor intended to spawn such introspection on my part, and this is not what I planned to write about AT ALL when I started this post…but there you have it!
*Related: I recently finished “4000 Weeks” by Oliver Burkeman which is essentially a whole book about this — the idea that human lives are finite and we are better off if we can embrace the idea that we quite literally cannot do everything. The book is a bit longer than it needs to be but overall I recommend it.
Yvonne @Quilting Jetgirl says
My husband and I talk about these big overarching philosophies and ideas a lot. We are definitely starting to feel the strain of our parents aging, and that is causing us to reevaluate our choice to be so far away from them. Everything ebbs and flows, and adventures have natural beginnings and endings. I’ll add 4000 weeks to my book list. It reminds me of this SMBC comic: https://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=2722
Sarah says
That comic really gave me some food for thought — thanks for sharing!
Misti says
Ah, such interesting thoughts. I too have come to this reality that I won’t get to do everything I want but realize I still have time to do some of them and I should really start focusing—writing and publishing some books are one of them. Which means, more intent and focus and less scrolling needs to happen. I hope your health woes are healed easily and any unforeseen stresses aren’t make things worse!
Sarah says
Good point about not losing sight of the fact that there *is* time for *some* things. I struggle with intent and focus vs. scrolling on a daily basis! You’re not alone in that regard for sure.
Jennifer says
Young kids and aging parents I think are huge. Having Isla and Bri grow more self-sufficient has been very helpful for my stress levels. But watching your parents’ (and parents’-in-law) health decline is just very difficult.
Sarah says
Getting past the toddler stage definitely alleviates a certain kind of stress, but brings on new challenges. I assume this continues well into the teen years and beyond! Whew!
Jennifer says
1000% how I feel about life right now. The twins being middle schoolers has added a ton to my stress levels. I think more so than Carina because the things I worry about with the twins are opposites for the two of them so it’s literally twice the things to worry about.
But overall, I completely agree with the conclusion that if this is the low point of the arc, I’m in fantastic shape.
Anonymous says
Yesterday I had a rare day where I came home from work before 5 pm. I remember especially very early in my career, in my early 20s, getting home at 5 was a thing I did all the time and it felt like I had a whole day ahead of me — I would stop at the grocery store on the way home, take my dog on a very long walk, get something done around the house, meet my favorite friends at Mely’s and have multiple margaritas and laugh all night. I mean there was a *lot* of time after getting home especially when you get home early.
And now in my 40s, I get home at 5, I folded some laundry, did a few dishes, read a little bit of my book, and watched a minor amount of tv, and it was suddenly bed time. What happened to all that time? Where did it go?! And I don’t even have tiny humans to worry about.