I was really serious about playing the flute when I was in high school. In 10th grade, I auditioned for All-District Band. Several of my friends were selected, but I didn’t make it in. I was devastated. I distinctly remember moping around for several days, morosely fixated on the fact that it would be a whole year before I could try again. A year seemed like a VERY long time.
But of course the days began to pass. I took private lessons. I practiced and practiced. In 11th grade, I auditioned for All-District Band again and made it. In 12th grade, I made All-District again and went on to audition for All-State Band. I made that too.
I was the 8th best high school flute player in the entire state of North Carolina in 1996. Not bad, right? Pretty impressive, or at least that’s what I thought at the time. And how many times has this accomplishment helped me since then?
Zero.
(And you know? I might have even been 7th. I was either 7th or 8th, and the fact that I truly cannot remember which proves how inconsequential the whole thing turned out to be in my life.)
You may have surmised by now that I was not selected for the leadership program I applied for at work. I interviewed last Monday, and was notified of the outcome on Thursday afternoon. I felt — and still feel — like my interview went well. And while I know there are many factors involved in selecting candidates for this type of thing, I really thought the process was aligned in my favor this time. I was really confident.
To be totally honest, not being selected was a surprise.
When I got the “I must regretfully inform you that…” email, my stomach dropped. I stared at my screen for a while. I messaged Jose. And then the downward spiral began:
Why do I even want to work here?
Why am I trying so hard when it seems like no one cares?
Who am I trying to impress?
Why did I even bother?
What do I really want to accomplish in my life anyway?
Does any of this even matter?
The next day, I was chatting with my division chief and told him the disappointing news. His reaction completely threw me: he was visibly relieved. “These programs take up a lot of your time,” he said, and I know he was thinking about how my branch is very short-staffed at the moment. “Maybe it’s for the best.”
My first reaction was annoyance. Didn’t he know how much effort I put into this process? Didn’t he know how much I wanted to get in? But as I mulled over our conversation later that day, I realized that he wasn’t thinking about me. He reacted based on his own self-interest — and in the end, that’s really all we can expect of anyone most of the time. My getting into this program was not important to him at all, and it’s not important to anyone else.
And in the long run, it won’t be important to me.
This program was not going to be some sort of “magic pill.” It wasn’t going to put me on an otherwise unattainable path, or make me into a legendary figure around the office. It wasn’t even going to guarantee me a promotion or a raise. It would have been a pretty amazing opportunity — don’t get me wrong. It would have given me a glimpse into the inner workings of the agency that’s likely unattainable on my own. That’s why I wanted it so badly. It just sounds damn cool.
I just got “rejected” last week, and I’m not really over it yet. But I know I’ll be over it someday, and probably someday soon, and maybe that’s the point — that I’m able to keep things in perspective at 37 that I couldn’t at 16. And like I discovered after my first try at making All-District Band 20+ years ago, I can again take comfort in knowing that in the long run, this will just be a bump in the road.
That’s a really mature perspective. I would have probably had to have a couple big margaritas and complained a lot before I got there. I do think things were aligned in your favor. But there were probably other people applying who also had achieved alignment and its not a large program. It still sucks. I know that downward spiral really really well.
Oh don’t worry — there was a lot of wine drinking on Thursday and Friday.
Love your perspective and you!
Wow, nice job on the flute, btw!
I’d guessed you hadn’t been accepted (a tweet or something). You’re probably right that in a month, a year, two years from now, it’ll just seem a bump, but it’s okay for now to feel bummed out and hurt. You really wanted that! In the meantime, hope you are settling in to the new job!
Thanks Michelle! Having the new job is definitely a silver lining. It reminds me that there are a lot of things going well too.
I’m sorry that you weren’t accepted. It’s ok to be disappointed and hurt and let down. All that is real. But remember to keep perspective on all the things you do well. I think it’s hard to see the good in yourself when you don’t get something you wanted, but your quote is spot-on.
I don’t know if I ever told you this, but when your Women@NASA video was put online I shared it around my office with some coworkers. I had so many people come to me and say how impressed they were by you, and the work you’re doing, and how you expressed yourself. I wish you could’ve heard their comments.
Also the other comment when people saw your video was how much we looked alike, and were we twins or something.
The look alike thing is totally true. You guys bear the most striking sibling resemblance I’ve ever seen outside of twins! I notice it every time I see you. I remember Sarah used to have pictures of you in our dorm room and they just looked like a younger version of her.
Aw, thanks muh sustah.