Who clips the nails? | Working Moms Break
This is a pretty old post (from 2010) and I don’t even remember how I came across it, but it really resonated with me. Jose is an active and involved parent — he feeds kids, changes diapers, brushes teeth, gives baths, goes grocery shopping, etc. But I definitely carry what this post calls the “psychic burden” of parenting.
I do the meal planning, the appointment making, the wardrobe buying and pruning, and yes, the nail clipping. And it really does feel burdensome at times. I think to some extent it is natural that one parent will carry the majority of that load. But that doesn’t make me feel any better when I’m up to my ears in managing household logistics.
13 Charts That Will Make Total Sense To People With Impostor Syndrome | Buzzfeed
I had lunch with a few friends last week, and one of them mentioned that a happy discovery of moving into a new job at this point in her career — more than a decade in, with lots of experience under her belt — is that she no longer suffers from imposter syndrome. I can’t say I’m quite that lucky…but I do feel it less than I used to. (The flip side of this would be saying that I’m just more confident in my abilities these days, and more secure in the knowledge that I am a good worker.)
Why that Fitbit might not be so good for you | USA Today via WTSP
I recently upgraded from a Fitbit One to a Fitbit Flex. Seeing the tracker on my wrist (it used to be hidden by my clothes) is actually a good reminder to take a walk or get up from the couch, but at the end of the day, it’s just a number. There’s nothing magic about 10,000 steps vs. 7,000 vs. 15,000. I might beat myself up over silly stuff, but my step count isn’t one of them.
I think the 10,000 steps comes from the guidelines for a heart healthy life…what cardio it takes for it to be a baseline of heart health.
I really liked the first link. While my husband has been great in many aspects of parenting, there’s definitely that psychic burden and some other not-so-equal parts that he just doesn’t see. There’s also been some arguments over it because sometimes he likes to compare himself to men 40 years ago and not to present day circumstances! Not going to fly, dude!
The “not-so-equal parts that he just doesn’t see” feels very true to me also. I feel like it’s very hard to have a productive conversation about it though — I have trouble expressing this rationally without it coming across as a little too much like I’m keeping score.
I guess I didn’t mean to say I was completely cured of it, but what I am doing now ten years ago would have given me a heavy dose of imposter syndrome (and actually for very good reason, its so far out of my technical knowledge base and experience). And yet, I actually logically think those thoughts, and shrug and am like “well, who else would do this? Anyone would be in this same situation…” and shrug it off with an ease that would not have been possible earlier in my career. It really does feel like I’m “growing out of it” at least a little.
Yeah, I think no one is ever fully “cured” of it, but I knew what you meant.
also, those charts remind me I am not as in remission as I thought 🙂
The “psychic load” thing is such a big deal. We wouldn’t ever show up for anything (except new Star Wars movies) or get anything fixed, cleaned, or updated if I didn’t keep track of it all. And it totally stresses me out. Interestingly, though, fingernails seem to fall outside of this category in our household.
I have complained to Jose several times about the stress of just having to track all of the crap involved in day-to-day life. Remembering to pay for field trips. Making sure we don’t run out of diapers. Knowing that Charlotte needs more spare clothes at daycare. Keeping track of when the trash needs to go out.
I do trust that Jose would handle these things on his own if he absolutely had to…but he never has to.
I totally bear the psychic burden. But I guess it’s only fair given that I’m not working full-time.
I also totally have imposter syndrome.
I have contemplated getting a fitbit recently. I need something to get me off my tuckus.
The psychic burden thing doesn’t apply to all households. Ben and I equally share those things. Some of how we do it: We set up a lot of systems the benefit us both – a cookbook will all our recipes to make meal planning easier. (We split the week – he shops and cooks for weekdays since he is home and I do the weekend.) A family calendar with reminders, and we both just take care of things when we see them such a field trip forms. If one of takes it out of the bag they sign it and return to the bag. We have Amazon subscribe and save so we get monthly shipments of all the necessities. I do do the clothing because I enjoy that it is a once a few months thing. I think it is important that no one partner feels like they are the sole administrator (or maid or cook) because, as all the comments have pointed out, it is not good for one’s marriage or mental health.
I think that’s awesome…but it doesn’t seem to be the norm. And while I’m sure there are households where the father bears the “psychic burden” it also seems to very much be a mom thing.
That blog post had another point that resonated a lot with me, about essentially being a taskmaster. Even if one parent is happy to do a task when reminded, it doesn’t free up any brainpower for the other parent if they are having to do the reminding.