(This is another installment in a series of posts about my job and where I want my career to go from here. For previous deep thoughts, here’s Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4).
Yesterday was one of those days. You know the type — the one where everything seems to be going right…until it isn’t. I was humming along, churning out emails and charts and schedules, being productive, even getting things done in advance! And then I got an email asking where my charts were for a meeting that’s happening this afternoon…
Charts that had been due 2 hours earlier. Charts that I hadn’t even made yet. Charts that I completely forgot I even needed to make, because I was too distracted by the half dozen OTHER sets of SIMILAR charts that I was also in the process of making. Charts for flight readiness reviews that are stacked so high on top of each other that I can’t even keep one vehicle straight from the other in my head. The dates and the issues swim together in a murky soup, and I’m having trouble fishing out what I need.
I’ve been doing this part of my job for 4 years — I know exactly what is involved in each flight readiness cycle, and I know exactly what I need to produce. But in the past couple months I’ve been so, so behind the curve. It hasn’t always been like this, and I can’t identify any solid reasons for the shift. I’m not sure if it’s me, or if it’s the engineers I rely on for inputs. Honestly, it’s probably a little of both.
I sat at my desk and stewed. “This job,” I thought. “I’m over it. Just…ugh.”
Yes, it was one of THOSE days.
(Months ago, I complained to Jose that I had had a really awesome morning, followed by a really frustrating afternoon. “Some people would be happy to love their job 50% of the time,” he said. Which is true, I realized.)
When I say, as I have in previous parts of this rambling monologue, that I’m happier in my current role than I have ever been, I’m not lying. I’m not even exaggerating. It is utterly, completely true…and yet I still find myself flip-flopping on an almost daily basis between thinking things are fantastic and thinking things are crap.
(“Maybe it’s both,” Jose said to me several months ago when I expressed similar thoughts to him. Maybe he’s right.)
There are people, at NASA and beyond, who don’t seem to worry about their careers. They show up every day and just do their thing, regardless of whether anyone is paying attention and immune to any pressure to impress the powers-that-be. They work because they like it. They work because they have a strong work ethic. They work because it brings a good paycheck. They work because…they just do. I feel like a lot of people can say “it’s just a job” and really mean it. If any of them suffer from the same level of crazy introspection that I do, they do a really good job of hiding it.
I have trouble thinking of anything as “just a job” (or “just a hobby” or “just a fill-in-the-blank”). When I am at home, I think about work. I think about what I need to get done the next day or how to respond to a sensitive email or what job opportunities might come along soon. But when I am at work, I think about being at home. I think about drawing patterns or sewing quilts or redesigning my blog. I daydream about becoming a designer or making a 6 figure income from a blog or doing basically anything to get me out of the rat race I feel like I’m in.
Yes, I dream about getting out of the rat race as I am simultaneously dashing headlong into it. This is crazy, and I find it EXHAUSTING. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this for another 30 years. And I wonder — is this how other people feel? And if not — what’s their secret??
(to be continued…)
I totally feel the same way. Perhaps I don’t vocalize it much and might appear as if I’m perfectly content being a good little worker bee, but I’m always thinking about hobbies at work and job stuff when I’m not working. I joke about not working, but I also feel like it defines part of who I am. I wish I was one of the people content with everything instead of constantly flipping between being happy and frustrated. It makes me seem impossible to please. Anyway, the point of this was to say that I can relate to how you feel.
Interesting thought about work defining who you are — I feel the same way. As much as I daydream about not working, I think I would feel rather lost without it.
I used to work in the publishing field, and I remember having similar thoughts. I was there because I loved books. I loved writing. I loved seeing an author’s passion translate from an idea to a manuscript to evidence of a reader’s life that had been influenced. I loved all of that so that when some of the stuff I didn’t love so much threatened to get me down, I remembered that I felt so lucky to be able to get paid to immerse myself in my passion. That said, I worked with people that did what they did because it was their job. There was no specific interest in our product, just a job to be done. I imagine there are similarities with the space industry. There are people who work with you who dreamed of working for NASA (or Space X, or Boeing, or any other space industry leader). For some, the company writing the check is what is important. For others, it couldn’t matter less. I tried working in another industry and about died from boredom, I just couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to be passionate about my work (or career). So I went back to what I loved.
Yeah, as much as I think there might be something nice about having “just a job,” I doubt I will ever be that person and thus, I know I wouldn’t be happy working just anywhere. In fact, that’s a large part of the fear I feel anytime I even casually consider leaving.
While I certainly love what I do, and am very busy more often than not, I can say without a doubt that I DEFINITELY DO NOT think about work when I am not there. I can turn that switch off. The only time I think about it is usually Sunday evening when I am trying to remember what time my first meeting is on a Monday. I LOATHE first thing Monday meetings.
Man, I’m so envious of your ability to flip that switch! I’m working on it.
I keep a to-do list at work using Outlook Journal. I generate a new list every morning – it’s the first thing I do when i come in. Things get crossed off as they get done and moved to the new list the following day if they don’t. Items are sorted by priority, and occasionally categorized. I still forget stuff sometimes, but I think not nearly as often as I would otherwise. Though I’m guessing you probably already do something like this.
I have never met one of these mystical people for whom work is “just a job.” I know far more workaholics. I try not to think about work when I’m at home, and am partially successful, personally, but it’s not easy.
Oh, I have to-do lists. But those only work if I remember to put the item on the list in the first place!!
I wouldn’t call myself a workaholic…if anything, I kind of resent workaholics. I very rarely DO any work from home, but I find it hard not to THINK about work at home sometimes. I blame email for a large part of this.
Do you check your work e-mail at home? If so, are you required to, or could you stop?
It’s good to know that other people struggle with knowing if they are in the right place. Not knowing if or when I should go back to work or if my “at home” job was good enough/worth the time was a very stressful part of my staying at home years. I still question if I’m doing the right thing by working part time in the job I have now, but it bothers me a lot less now – I think because I know that if I were to stop working the questions would still be there!
There is definitely some comfort in knowing we’re not the only ones wondering if they’re in the right spot, isn’t there? I also kind of feel like you do — that no matter what I do, I would probably be asking similar questions. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse though!