1 Month

Dear Emma,

You are 1 month old today! I can’t believe it’s already been a month since you joined our little family.

Years from now, when I look back on August 2012, I will remember…well, frankly, I may not remember much. I haven’t slept longer than 4 hours in a month and my brain is operating with quite a bit of excess fuzz and fog at the moment. But don’t worry — I will always remember the day your dad and I met you. I don’t think there’s anything that could make me forget that moment.

Meeting you for the first time!

So! Here we are, one month into the rest of our lives together! Sometimes in the middle of the night as I’m going through the now-standard routine of feeding you, burping you, changing your diaper and then wrapping you back up in a blanket, the realization smacks me in the face: I’m your mom. You’re my daughter. This is for real.

You’ll understand, I think, when I say it’s still a little mind-boggling.

Overall, you seem like a pretty good baby — not that I really have any point of reference to use for comparison. You’ve been great at night so far (and please note that I would very much like that trend to continue). You’re still tiny, of course, so you wake up hungry every 3-4 hours but once you’ve had your bottle, you fall right back asleep next to me on the couch while I pump. Your dad stays in bed since he has to go to work, so you and I have spent a lot of time in the wee hours of the morning sitting together in the dimly lit living room. Once we got through the first 10 days or so, I’ve learned that my body is surprisingly capable of adjusting to sleeping in short chunks and weirdly, I don’t even mind the odd hours all that much.

Now don’t get me wrong. You definitely have your fair share of fussy periods, which never fail to send your dad’s and my stress level through the roof. It’s so hard to watch your whole body turn bright red and listen to you scream while we try to figure out what’s bothering you. Are you hungry? Hot? Cold? Is your diaper dirty? WHAT IS IT? I have to admit that sometimes we never do really figure it out, but the good news is that we can usually comfort you even if we’re not sure why you were upset in the first place. You like to be swaddled, and you usually like to suck on your pacifier. Most of the time you’ll calm down if we put you in your swing, or your bouncy seat. But sometimes? Sometimes you just want to be held. And that’s ok too.

Bathtime? You’re not really a fan so far.

The biggest issue we’ve had in your first month has actually been on my end! Breastfeeding. Oy. I expected it to be hard, but I had no idea how challenging — and how stressful! — it would be. When I was pregnant with you, I heard a never-ending litany of “breast is best” but I didn’t realize how much that message had wormed its way into my head until we realized that you would have to start eating some formula. Oh, the mommy guilt! It was crazy! But you happily suck down a bottle whether it’s breast milk or formula, and switch back and forth between the bottle and the boob without much of a fuss. You’re an equal opportunity eater!

We took you to the pediatrician on Tuesday for your 4-week checkup. It was the first time we’d been there that you DIDN’T have to get your heel pricked for a blood test, and I think you enjoyed that because you only fussed a little while we were waiting. (Hey, if I had to wait for my doctor in a cold office dressed only in a diaper, I might fuss too!) Two weeks ago we were relieved to see you weigh in at 6 lbs 10 oz, a bit over your birth weight. But on Tuesday? Little girl, you tipped the scales at 8 lbs 7 oz!

 
Only weeks old and already reading with Dad!

When you were jaundiced and a little slow to gain weight at the beginning, I worried that you weren’t getting enough to eat. And now that you’re gaining weight like gangbusters, I worried that you’re eating too much! (You’re not. You’re fine.) I’m starting to learn that this is what it’s like to be a mom — there is always something to worry about. You’re learning how to live out in the world, and Dad and I are learning how to be parents. We may not get it right every single time, but know that we’re doing our best — and we always will.

Love,
Mama