Something about being a rendezvous trainee makes me feel extremely insecure. I worry that I’m not picking things up fast enough. I worry that I’m missing opportunities. But I don’t actually do anything about it.
This morning I had planned to watch the rendezvous sim going on all day. But I overslept and by the time I got in, the star tracker pass (the first major event of the rendezvous) was already over. So I didn’t go to the sim.
Then I got an email that said “Not coming?” As in, are you not coming to the sim?
And that just made me start second-guessing myself to no end. They’re simming issues that I haven’t seen before, so I probably should have gone. I should have gone just to listen to the discussion on the backroom loops and get an idea of how I can improve my communication.
Shoulda coulda woulda.
Even now, I sit here as if I’m paralyzed. I could still go downstairs and watch. I’m sure I could still pick up some good information. And yet here I sit.
I’m losing my drive and my motivation to be proactive. Reading is getting really, really old, but generic sims that I can work as a trainee are few and far between. I am left feeling useless, frustrated, and insecure. I have been in this group for almost a year and have little to show for it.
Ah well. It’s my blog. I’m allowed to vent.
Update: My Dad just called to say it’s not really venting, it’s just me beating myself up and that I should be ok with my decisions. He’s probably right.
Don’t worry. We’ve all been there. The crazy part is once you get through it, and you get super busy again, you wish you’d have a little more time to twiddle your thumbs and do some reading and observing sims.