The project that I spend 50% of my time on makes me feel like an idiot.
This afternoon, with Gavin back at JPL, I was summoned into action to explain a design process to our new summer co-op. I stumbled over half my words, couldn’t answer half his questions, and looked like an idiot as I couldn’t get half of the programs to work correctly the first time.
This is my constant problem with this project, and it’s plagued me for two years. See, feeling stupid makes me procrastinate, because I’d rather work on things that don’t make me feel stupid. Then I get behind and forget how to do even the simple things that I’d managed to understand. Then I want to quit the project entirely because I feel like I am making zero contribution, and hate feeling like an idiot all the time. So I tell myself that I’m thinking irrationally, and promise myself to try harder. I come to work feeling reinspired, only to inevitably hit some roadblock within approximately 15 minutes. I feel like an idiot all over again.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
This is why I don’t think I’m meant to be an engineer for much longer.
On a less depressing note, my brother continues his travels in Europe with this amusing tale (and apparently his typing sucks):
“Dublin was miserably cold, rainy, and sort of depressing; but the Guiness ,useu, was cool and included free fresh Guiness in a bar overlooking the city. I stayed up there a while since the weather was bad, and found some other Americans to talk to. From Dublin I flew yesterday to Eindhove. I took the train from there to Maastrict and then to Belgium. I had poorly planned and aound up at a train station at 2 in the morning, surrounded by unsavory characters and no other trains for over two hours. Luckily a guy who turned out to be Irish and from Kilkenny spotted me and realized I was in a bad situation. He let me stay the night on his couch to catch a few hours sleep before heading out in the morning. He told me how he could tell I wasnt sure what to do and wanted to help because a lot of people there and in the rest of Europe wouldnt in a similar situation. Thankfully Irish people are very friendly and he tunred out to be in the right place at the right time for me. I wont make the mistake of being in a train station witout somewhere to go again.”
