Last night I did 40 minutes on the treadmill. 3.32 miles. Average heart rate of 177. 9 minutes running and 1 minute walking, times four. 12:03 per mile. Sigh.
I hate the treadmill. Despise it. Dread the thought of running on it. I find that I run slower on it, for reasons unknown, and my legs hurt more. My shins tighten, my ankles sting, and when I get off my legs feel all rubbery.
And yet, on the few occasions that I do resign myself to that never-ending piece of rubber, I finish with a huge sense of accomplishment, perhaps more than I get from a normal run. Like I won the war. I defeated the evil treadmill! I pounded it into submission with my feet. And that feels good.
I doubt I’ll ever voluntarily choose the treadmill over the outdoors, but every so often I guess it’s not so bad.
Holden was right in his comment yesterday though — the run did wonders to calm my nerves. The itchy, antsy, anxious feeling has returned a bit today, but hopefully another run tonight (maybe even outside if the weather cools after this morning’s brief rainshower) will put it to rest again. If not, I’ll have to hunker down with my shut-out-the-world headphones. Let me explain…
I spent my final year and a half of undergrad as the Entertainment Editor for the Technique. We published weekly, on Fridays, so deadline was always Wednesday night. Sometimes I’d get a lot done early, after meeting with my staff on Tuesday or by coming in early on Wednesday. In that case, I’d spend most of deadline screwing around with the rest of the staff until I was tired enough to go home. Sometimes, though, I’d have tons to do and needed to concentrate amidst the chaos to avoid being there literally all night. I had these huge headphones, massive things with lots of padding, that’d I’d clamp conspicuously on my head. They did a decent job of blocking out sound, especially once I turned the volume way up on my CD player.
(CD player. Ha, that’s sooo 2001.)
For the past couple days, I’ve been wishing I could wear those giant headphones for hours on end in some attempt to block everything out. The restless feeling, I think, has to do with being a little lonely, and feeling a little trapped.
I’m a rather independent person. Most of the time, I love living alone, and sometimes even find myself tiring of groups, and longing for the peace and quiet of my little apartment next to the bayou. At the same time, I’ve been in the same place for more than three years now. I haven’t been in the same place this long since high school. Growing up, I always had a plan. I always knew what I’d be doing in 1 year, 3 years, 5 years. I don’t know that anymore. Moreso, I don’t even know what I want to be doing. I’m restless in my job, and I’m restless in my life. I have been looking at houses, for no other reason than I want change. I surf job websites. (Though Gavin says if I was cold on our camping trip, I shouldn’t go to Antarctica. I counter that they have much warmer clothes with them down there.)
Amidst the chaos of evacuating for the hurricane, I somehow ended up feeling suffocated. The whole thing made me feel a little frantic, and lonely — but sort of a delayed reaction that didn’t truly kick in until I got back home. I live alone, I have no family in the area, and I’m single. I have many, many wonderful friends, but with potential disaster staring me in the face, I had an minor internal panic attack. Last week, the thought of hitting the road out of town alone freaked me out. And yet I realized that everyone around me had more important things to think about. It was me, on my own.
I’m not sure I like being on my own all the time.
Anyway. I just wanted to write it down. It’s what I do.
I suspect you know what you want to do. Or at least what you would rather do. I think you may be wary of making a big change to do it, though. Which is understandable but important to realize, if that is true.
And you’re not alone, alone, you know? You can evacuate with us any time. 🙂
I know Gavin, that’s why I said I’ve got great friends. But when it comes down to it, it’s still just me.
And yes, I have a decent idea of what I would rather do. But no idea of how to get there.
Even when you’re married with a dozen kids, you’re still alone in the end anyway. Its just when you evacuate you don’t do it with your hip friends, you do it in a minivan full of unruly children and a hunk of a man. Being alone isn’t a bad thing, there are many people who never figure out how to live independently or how to define themselves apart from other people. I don’t really know what the point I’m trying to make with this post is… but every man is an island and no man is an island all at the same time. I’m sure married people feel less alone than singletons, but it doesn’t mean its always true.
I was only partly referring to marriage, though that is one of the many thoughts that’s been running around causing the restlessness. I’m in no rush, but I would like to get married someday. I don’t know if I see it happening for me. It’s just not the way my life has gone thus far. Makes me a bit sad.
But that’s by no means the only, or even the largest, things knawing at me. I think it’s more me wanting to know where I’m going, and not knowing. And being frustrated by that.
As Gavin alluded to, I feel like maybe I *do* have an idea of what I want to be doing in the future, only now I’m not really sure how to even start getting there.
the joys of being a 20-something. I have these same thoughts all the time. It sucks, but I think we will eventually figure something out.
From a 40-something…
You will figure it out. But for some of us the restlessness never goes away. I have my cycle pinpointed to a four year window. After four years of doing something or being somewhere, I feel driven to make a significant change. It is almost like clockwork when the feeling rears its head. Still it can take several more years for the change to occur.
My marriage was mostly a shell after 4 years (took 10 to break it though). I interview for my job in OR after 4 years in MI, though I didn’t leave until after the fifth year.
I am in the OR 4-year mode right now and battling the demons inside that say “respond to the targeted invitation from University of Minnesota to apply for an advanced media law position.” Argh.
You are still amazingly young, competent, smart and resourceful. Take some risks.
From a 30 something –
I don’t know if that feeling ever goes away. Sometimes with wife and kids, you still feel very alone. I can’t say I have a 4 year cycle but the cycles are there just as Nancy describes them. I feel being young has nothing to do with it. The feeling never changes despite your physical age change.
From an almost-40
I certainly understand where you’re coming from. Sitting here, reading your post, I’m wondering how to respond. I guess I’ll respond honestly and from my heart. Just remember, like we all should, your identity doesn’t lie in what you do for a living, who your married to, who your family is, where you live, or anything like that. You are a wonderful, unique creation of God with a purpose for your life. Find out what that is and why He made you and you’ll have rest. In only say this because that is what I believe and have experienced in my own life. I’m not prosyletizing here, so don’t please don’t take it the wrong way. It’s just all I could think to say.
You coming to the 10-miler to take pictures?