“It’s their loss.”
Why do people always say that? When you tell someone that you didn’t get what you were hoping for, is that just the default response? Is it supposed to make you feel better? It doesn’t, really. Sure, it might be their loss not to have you, but they don’t know that, and they probably don’t care. But if you wanted it, even just a little bit, well… It’s your loss not to have gotten it. Hearing the equivalent of “it’s not you, it’s me” doesn’t really lessen the disappointment.
It is raining tonight, and the rain always makes me mellow. It makes me feel quiet, and if there are things on my mind, it makes me feel sad.
A month ago, I applied for a new job. I was really excited about the possibility of it, even moreso after my final interview. But I didn’t get an offer because my ability to recall equations and technical details doesn’t rival that of someone who is still in school and graduating this May. I was very disappointed, as I’d already begun picturing making the move. A friend got an internship with the same company this summer, and she got in touch with them via me, before I interviewed. I’m happy for her, but it stings that she gets to be there this summer doing what I wanted to be doing as well.
Five weeks ago, I applied for the JSC Fellowship in hopes of going to France next year to study for another Master’s degree. I didn’t get the fellowship because of timing and bureaucracy that was totally out of my control. I was most qualified, and was told that. What I wasn’t told was that despite being most qualified, I would not be ranked first because there was no known threat of losing me in the office head count. My application was fine, but it went nowhere because of bureaucratic decisions. Knowing that I was helpless to do anything is comforting, and also extremely frustrating. I hadn’t mentally moved to France yet, but I had thought about the possibilities.
I had two great options, and two weeks ago my fear was that I would have to choose between them. Today, neither is available to me. And it’s disappointing to have crashed and burned, and ego-bruising to have been told I’m not smart enough for one of them. I feel embarassed, because it was impossible to go for either opportunity without at least some friends knowing, and impossible to hope that they’ll just forget the things I was applying for and hoping for. I now have to face them and admit that I failed.
Most of all, I feel lost, not knowing where to go next, and stuck, not having a third road to aim for.
