when all your love is gone / who will save me / from all I'm up against out in this world

So Melanie has started a blog. I love blogs!

Melanie sits in my office a lot using the FADS terminal next to my desk. We rarely use it, and there isn’t a free terminal in her office because…well, because the computer setup over there is dumb and the terminals are at individual desks, which makes them, you know, hard to share. ANYWAY, that’s not the point. She was sitting there this morning as Becca was talking excitedly about her flight controller certificate that she just received and its frame, as she put it up on the top of her desk/hutch thingy, leaning against some notebooks.

I guess the certificate and frame is pretty cool, and so maybe I’m just jealous. After all, I’ve been here going on three years and I’m not even close to getting a flight control position; I mean, no, I didn’t apply for FDO like she did, but I’ve told my management I want a backroom position, and nothing is really happening, and maybe I should be more aggressive, but I also feel like if they don’t realize by now, it’s hopeless. ANYWAY, I’m still not to the point.

So I made some snide comment about how it’s just a cheap frame, and a couple minutes later when it fell off the desk because it wasn’t really that stable, I said something like “oh, I totally knew that was going to fall when you put it up there, blah blah blah.”

And then Melanie said something about how our office was really mean. And how we say mean things. And while I made light of it at the time, and said “oh, that’s just the way Becca and I are,” her comment sort of made me think.

I tend to be very sarcastic, and I think that in the past six months or so, many of my sarcastic comments have gone beyond teasing and turned into thinly veiled criticism. I can’t quite put it into words…but the best I can come up with is that I just feel like I’ve lost patience with people, that I’m not as understanding and accommodating with them as I used to be. And they’re my friends. I hear myself saying snippy things, and I don’t like it, but can’t stop myself.

I need to work on that. I need to figure out why I’ve lost patience with people, and get over it. It’s not their fault, it’s my fault.

Now that I wrote all that, I feel like I should clarify — there is nothing big going on in my life, I’m not trying to start some grand discussion, or any sort of “waaaah, I’m sorry, I’m a horrible person, why do you even like me” conversations. And it’s not about Becca, or Melanie, or any person in particular; they’re just the two who put me on this train of thought.

So. The end.