if i could change one thing, it might be this: i am always quick with a sarcastic comment, but find myself rendered speechless and fumbling for words at times when i want them more than ever. in the end, i have to trust that those i care about know that i care about them, despite what i may say. sometimes it feels like walking a tightrope.
thanks to those of you who sent good thoughts my way for my intern pitch. it went well, and despite being nervous all day, i relaxed while i was actually giving the pitch. this can probably be attributed to the fact that the “big boss” who was supposed to see the pitch did not come. i’m sure he had other important things to do, but it is frustrating to work so hard on something only to feel ignored, or that no one really cared about what you had to say. i got my raise. yay. i said all along that the raise was all i cared about, but i discovered yesterday that i was wrong. the raise is nice, to be sure, but i also cared about the opportunity to talk about what i’ve been doing for 16 months.
i can’t really explain the disappointment, other than to say that i am. disappointed. i don’t feel angry or annoyed. just deflated.
and tired. there are some sad things going on that i don’t know how to explain, or make sense of. i have an overwhelming sense of needing to move on. despite all my vacation recently, i still feel too keyed up, and in need of a day to just stay at home and sleep. i may get this wish, as i’ve been feeling vaguely ill for about a week now. but it hasn’t turned into anything full blown. last night i had soup for dinner, and that was comforting.
well, back to the same old same old at work. it’s nice that the stress of the intern pitch is over.