I am sort of unsure about what to write today. Logically, I recognize that I am a moody person, and that my ups and downs tend to be more dramatic than most. And so logically, I realize that I’ve just been in one of my dramatic down periods recently.
Sometimes I love the way that logic never seems to triumph over pure emotion. But sometimes I really hate it.
I go through these phases where I think I’ve missed my calling. I love being an engineer, don’t get me wrong. And every time I think I’m burned out on the space program, I find myself staring at the stars one night and realize the fire is still there. But there are so many other things I really enjoy doing, or have enjoyed in the past and miss. Laying out my section at the paper every week…I love doing layout/design-type things. Writing my weekly column for the Daily. Developing my own photos, just for fun. I think if I were independently wealthy, I would start some sort of magazine or journal. I know that something like 99 out of 100 magazines fold within a year, but I’d still do it. The thing is, if I had unlimited funds, I don’t know if I’d do engineering, even though I like it.
I was doing so well here in Houston, I was content, and that was good. Somehow, the Columbia accident changed all that. Since February 1, I’ve felt sad and lonely a lot. I’ve been ignoring some of my friends. I’ve been tired all the time. I suppose these are all entirely normal things to feel and do after a traumatic event, and the accident was one of the more traumatic things I’ve experienced in my 25 years. It’s good that this is one of the few upsetting things; it’s good that I’ve never had serious injuries, or been uprooted from my childhood home, or had to deal with deaths or serious disease in the family (both grandfathers died before I could remember them, both grandmothers and all my other relatives are still alive and generally very healthy). But it’s bad that I don’t know how to deal with it, and that my reaction has been simply to sort of shut down.
Often I wonder if I really do think too much, more than normal people. And I wonder if it’s natural to have the types of regrets that I seem to, and the types of years-old questions that I still wrestle with. I’ve done a lot of talking to a few people in the past couple days in an attempt to work this out of my system, and I can never decide if everyone has these types of anxieties or not. Anyway. I will work my way out of it. I have in the past, and I have to trust that I will again.
Anyway.
My birthday was lovely. I went to the cheesecake factory last night with Becca, Cari, Gavin, Jen, Buzz, and Chris and in some divine stroke of luck, they had just started selling a Godiva dark chocolate cheesecake. I used to work at Godiva, and I absolutely love their chocolate. Ohhhhhhh, this cheesecake is absolute heaven. Sooo good.
Anyway, the waiter brought out the cheesecake and hadn’t been informed by the hostess that it was my birthday, so Becca told him again, and he took my cheesecake! Sure, he took it to go put a birthday candle in it, but still, he put the cheesecake down in front of me, gave me time to get exactly one bite on my fork, and then he took it away!! According to the others, I had a look of absolute horror on my face. Thankfully, he brought it back quickly. Let this be a lesson to you: don’t mess with my cheesecake!
It was a good birthday. I can’t believe I’m 25.
