have you ever noticed that it’s easier to write when you are sad, tired, or confused? when i’m happy, the words just don’t come. i guess if i ever do write a book, it should be a tragedy, not a comedy. a comedy from me would be barely the length of a short story. a tragedy would rival victor hugo for length. but where was i? oh yes….the anniversary.
it has been one year since i graduated from college. i know that i’m still in school, but in my mind, my college life ended and the real world began one year ago. i came to stanford to take a five year job which has since had its contract shortened to a mere nine months. i love california though. every morning i wake up trying to find another way that i could stay there forever, every time i drive down the road and see the hills and the sky and the people, i want to freeze time and stay in the moment. the funny thing is that i could stay, if i wanted. i don’t have to move to houston. i don’t have to stay in school either. i could just stay in california. find an apartment. find a job. find friends. find someone to love.
i could just stay.
but i’m not. not right now. i have a strange feeling that i will be back, that this is not the last time i will live on that peninsula nestled between the bay and the sea, teeming with interesting people and interesting things. but i will not stay there now.
i am excited about moving to houston. i am excited about getting an apartment, making some money, knowing that the next time i move, it will be my decision alone. most of all, i am excited about getting back to the one place where i have always been true to myself. if only my friends could see me in houston, if only they could see me when i am really, truly me. it’s not that i’m some other person outside of houston…i guess a better explanation is that when i am elsewhere, i sometimes feel pressures to act a certain way, or rather react a certain way. as if i’m supposed to fill a certain role.
if only it were easier to be true to myself in places other than houston.
only i don’t feel that way so much anymore. i don’t care about acting or reacting like i’m supposed to. i worry less about doing the wrong thing in front of someone, about not acting a certain way because of a tumultuous past.
one year since graduation. perhaps the most unexpected thing is that i don’t miss atlanta anymore. i used to think that atlanta was the perfect city, that i could picture myself living here for the rest of my life. but when christina’s car rounded the bend on i-85 on thursday and the skyline appeared in front of me, i didn’t feel like i was coming home. for the first time in many years, i didn’t feel like i was coming home.
at georgia tech, i learned so many things about life, and who i am. i grew and changed in ways i can’t even put into words, and in ways that i probably don’t even remember. despite all that, i think the past year has been even bigger. i have changed more in the past year than in the previous five. these days, i’m scared that the people who mean the most to me don’t know who i am anymore, because i’m not with them. because while they still laugh and talk and see each other every other day, i’ve gone through the first year of the real world without them. and they haven’t been there while i’ve been growing and changing.
there is more to say, but it doesn’t belong here.
i wonder where i’m going. i wish there were someone willing to listen.
a year after graduation, i have quite a bit to reflect on. i’m better. but fortunately for anyone who reads this, i still have quite a bit of confusion. makes for good writing, right? 😉
