I need sleep, and I need to get rid of this lingering cold. I know I will feel better once those two things are accomplished. Until then, I will remain in this emotional and stressed out state.
I talked to C last night for almost three hours. It was a fantastic conversation, one that I have been wanting to have for years. Literally, years. After I hung up the phone, I felt so good. But I also felt sad.
I am uncertain how much to actually write in a medium as public as this online journal, when I know that many people who are close to me read it. But I will say a little bit. For a long time, I thought I would marry C. We talked about dating, but it never worked out. It wasn’t my fault or his fault, but it just didn’t work. We are really great as friends, and nothing more, and that is the simplified version of the story.
My problem is that once I realized I would not marry C, I started to worry about “well…who will Ii marry?” And rationally, this is not something I need to be worrying about. But emotionally, the thought is there all the same. At some point, I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I know things will be ok. I am just in a period of doubt right now. I am ready to be happy. I am ready to not feel alone. I am ready to finish school, and ready to move to Houston.
