So a day after I called Bob to tell him that I do indeed want a job offer this year, I read online today that the new NASA Administrator is going to be the man who is currently the deputy director of the Office of Management and Budget. That could be either really good — he gets the budget under control and the country segues into a beautiful pro-space era — or really bad — he puts a moratorium on spending, the station never grows beyond its current infancy, and we never go anywhere. I’m hopeful for the first scenario, but more worried about the second.
(10:05 p.m.)
I have this nervous butterfly feeling in my stomach and I don’t know why. I think it usually comes around when I am thinking about the future, and for the past year, I have been thinking about the future a lot.
I have friends who say I think too much. I’m too introspective, or too prone to overanalyzing. It’s not that I do or don’t agree with them; it’s more that I just don’t know how to live any other way.
As an undergraduate I never worried about what i would do when I graduated…mainly because I couldn’t conceive of the day when I would actually be done with school. Academia was where I was comfortable, where I fit, where I could do well. I was good at it.
You know, I thought there would be some kind of quick transition, just a *snap* when I would go from college life to adult life, and it would be easy and natural. If there was a quick bump, I haven’t found it yet. It makes me feel like I’m permanently waiting for something. I talked to Carter for an hour or so tonight. He’s thinking of buying a house. A house! Am I old enough to have friends with houses of their own? I keep forgetting that I’M the adult now.
I’m thinking seriously of taking the NASA job. I want to have a place of my own that I can decorate. I want to not have homework every night. Carter noted that a Ph.D. is not something to jump into lightly, and I know he’s right. But I have wanted one for so long. But I don’t know if I would like it. Back and forth, back and forth, I do the waffle dance.
I keep saying that I am lonely, and yeah, I am. I miss my friends, and their company. I miss being with people who know me well, with whom there are no more barriers to worry about, with whom I can just be the slightly neurotic (but hopefully still lovable) Sarah. But even if I was surrounded by friends, I think I might feel the same way I do now. I wish I knew what I wanted to do, what would make me really happy, what would give me some sense of purpose. I’m not sure if I’m sad, actually. I just feel kind of lost, like I’m drifting through the days but not really going anywhere.
I talked to my sister online tonight about a lot of what I just wrote. Now that she’s in college, I feel like I can connect with her life a lot better. I love that, because I think she is awesome. When I left home five years ago, Katie was only 13. She was a teenager while I was away, and I often forget that she has grown up. I don’t realize that she’s 18 now, and fiercely intelligent, and has useful and thoughtful advice to give when I ask. One reason I would love to go back to Atlanta is to be able to spend more time with her.
