On Having a Job and Associated Deep Thoughts – Part 1

It’s been almost a month since the government shutdown ended and I went back to work. Things were, not surprisingly, just as I left them except for the loss of two weeks of progress and the addition of several hundred emails.

(Side note: How did I have so many emails? We were furloughed!!)

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection on my job and my career in recent months, spurred on by a confluence of several events. In the last year:

1. I returned to work from maternity leave. Those 3 months were my longest stint of not working since graduating from college more than 10 years ago. On top of that, having a child has changed my perspective — in ways I did expect, but also in ways I didn’t.
2. I started a partial rotation to the Public Affairs Office to help them with social media strategy. I haven’t written much about this because my thoughts on the matter are very scattered, but for the purposes of this post, it’s worth noting that since the beginning of July, I’ve been simultaneously trying (and not really succeeding) to balance two very different jobs.
3. I celebrated 15 years of federal government service.
4. I applied for a promotion that I wanted and was highly qualified for. I was encouraged to apply by people in a position to recommend me, and I did my research and prepared thoroughly for the interview, which went very well. To be completely honest, I thought it was about as close to a sure thing as one can get. But I was not selected for the position. Since there is no other promotion available for which I could be more qualified, this was very disappointing.
5. I applied for a NASA leadership development program. Again, I did my research and prepared well for the interview. I was not selected — and while this wasn’t really a surprise for several reasons, it was frustrating precisely because of those reasons, which are beyond my control.

Given that these five things and their implications/influence were already percolating in my brain, the shutdown last month only added fuel to an already growing flame.

I have more than a decade of my career under my belt as a NASA engineer. I’ve had some successes and some failures, worked on some cool things and not so cool things. In that same time, my life has changed a lot. I got married, I had a baby, I dropped old hobbies and hopes and dreams and added new ones. In the midst of all that, there have been times when despite the fact that I work at NASA — my goal since high school! — I really didn’t like my job.

The saying goes something like “find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” I get that, and my dreamy side totally embraces the sentiment…but my more practical side can’t help but think that this type of thinking is destined to leave me with unrealistic expectations. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that it’s ok for my job to just be my job — something that I do to make a living, and something that I (hopefully) draw a reasonable level of satisfaction from, but not necessarily the One Great Thing that gives my life meaning.

For the 2+ weeks when we were furloughed, I didn’t miss being at work. Not one bit. I didn’t want to check my email. I didn’t want to volunteer my time. Except for the lack of a paycheck (although yes, Congress did eventually approve backpay for us as part of the deal to end the shutdown and extend the debt ceiling), I really wouldn’t have minded several more days…or weeks…off.

Here’s the thing about my job. Despite what most people would like to think about rocket scientists, what I do on a daily basis is not really that difficult. It’s not all math and calculations; in fact, it’s hardly EVER math and calculations anymore. Instead, it’s assessing risk and understanding anomalies and communicating all that to the powers that be so they can make the Big Decisions. My job isn’t something that I am uniquely qualified to do. Someone else could, with training, fill the gap left if I disappeared — and in fact, someone (a contractor) DID fill that gap while I was furloughed. Life went on. NASA is the of place where people are passionate about the subject of spaceflight, and that passion lends itself easily to getting wrapped up in your role and your specialty, and the thinking that you alone can do your job. But it’s not really true. Life went on when 95% of us weren’t there.

But here’s the other thing about my job, at least in its current form. Although I’ve been unhappy in the past, I’m not unhappy now. My overall job-related happiness right now is higher than it has been at any other point in my career. (Yes, higher than when I was working in Mission Control.) I find my current role sufficiently rewarding and engaging, and while my goal in this ramble is not to toot my own horn…I can confidently say that am REALLY GOOD at what I do these days.

So why do I feel vaguely unsettled? Do I want to feel more important? Do I want a job that literally cannot be done without me (even though I would argue that no such job exists)? I don’t think so. But I don’t want to feel irrelevant either. Am I looking for something that is challenging, fulfilling, unique…but not too important? Where I am valued…but not too much?

What am I looking for? And why do I keep worrying about what my next step should be when I’m perfectly happy where I am?

I’m not sure yet…

(To be continued. Although, spoiler alert: there are no major life change announcements at the end of this rambling.)

(Updated to add: here’s part 2.)