I’ve been blogging in some form since 1998, and all but the first few years are on this site. Nearly 20 years of my life, documented online. Not everything, of course, but significant portions of it. It seems totally crazy yet totally normal at the same time.
Lately I’ve been going back through my archives a few posts at a time, mainly to update punctuation and fix broken links, but also because it’s just kind of fun. I read those deep, deep archives and sometimes cringe, but usually smile. They are random, they are boring, but they are my life. I remember those days and I’m glad that I recorded them.
Blogs are funny things. When I started, they didn’t make any money. They weren’t a business. They didn’t feature styled photoshoots. They were just online, public diaries with all the positives and negatives that entailed.
I’ve been asking myself a lot lately: what do I want this blog to be? Do I need to post every day? Do I need to be an Amazon Affiliate? Do I need to join an ad network? Why do I care about hits and comments? It wasn’t always so important to me.
For the last 18 months or so, I’ve been posting nearly every weekday, with only a few exceptions. I wonder if anyone notices, or if anyone cares? I started doing it on a whim — because daily posts were something I saw others doing, because I wondered if it would bring more readers, because my posts had become a bit sporadic compared to previous years, because I wanted to just see if I could. I’m surprised that I was able to keep it up for as long as I did, but the “experiment” may have run its course for now. This isn’t a business; it’s just my blog. It’s become more difficult for me to come up with a post every day, and if that’s not a sign to stop, I don’t know what is.
Instead of coming up with things to write about, I want to just write when I feel like writing. Who am I trying to impress other than myself? My archives from 10 years ago are often more interesting to me than what I wrote last year. Maybe that’s nostalgia…but maybe it’s because that was life, instead of me sometimes trying and often failing to fit some “blogger” mold.
And I think a lot about what I could or should post here. I think about my job, my career. I think about household management. I think about motherhood and parenthood. But while I’ve got those zillion things on my mind, I tend to only write about the superficial. I want to get back to being real. More authentic. And I also want to be more relaxed. More “enough.”
Basically? Less of “them” and more of ME.
And that actually sounds pretty nice.