I’ve been staring at the back end of my blog a lot lately, looking at more than a dozen half-written posts, and then just clicking away. It’s not that I don’t have time to write anything. It’s more that anything other than a fun post with pictures or a new quilt finish seems like a lot of work. And I’m tired, y’all. I’m just tired. So here I am, on Thursday evening, typing into the post box, and we’ll see what happens.
I’ve been in the dumps, a bit, lately. There have been a lot of fantastic things — my Belize vacation with Jose, spending a week in Seattle with my sister and brother-in-law and nieces, getting to see an old college friend and her family while there as well, surprising my mother-in-law with a big party for her 60th birthday. I don’t want to make it sound like it’s been a dull month because it’s been anything but. I can’t remember the last time I did so much travel in such a short amount of time. It was great! And exhausting. But mostly really great.
Coming back has been both good and bad, as it usually is. After being on the go so much, it’s nice to look at the next few months and know that I’ll be staying put. I can unpack my bags. I can stay in the same time zone. The kids can wake up at a normal hour again instead of the 4 a.m. wail that Charlotte did on several occasions during our week on the west coast. (THAT was some fun, eh, Charlotte?) We can get back to our routine — and yet part of me doesn’t really want to get back to the old routine, because maybe it’s the “old routine” that’s gotten me in this funk in the first place.
Or maybe not. I really don’t know. I hesitate to say I’ve been depressed, because that connotes a pretty specific medical condition that I don’t think applies in my case. Overall, I’m happy. I’m in a good mood most of the time. I sleep just fine, I enjoy hanging out with family and friends. Aside from blogging, I’m still doing all the hobbies and fun activities I’ve been doing for years. But there’s also just an undercurrent of apathy towards the day-to-day right now. A feeling of being burnout. I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about why I’m feeling the way I’ve been feeling — but I got nothing.
(Have you seen this cartoon on the mental load of a working mom? I’ve thought about it a lot lately. I bring it up NOT to imply anything about Jose, but rather because I have wondered if my recent slump is a symptom of just having a lot on our plates in this phase of life? Because it feels like A LOT on my plate.)
Here are some things that have been not so good:
Work is…slow for me, and frustrating for many of us. Our team is having some struggles, and multiple attempts to address the issues have thus far been unsuccessful. At this point, I don’t have a lot of hope that we will see an improvement and am trying to find some sort of peace and/or acceptance that we may have to live with these difficulties indefinitely. And that is really hard. And demoralizing. (I am being vague, for obvious reasons.)
I had a minor dermatology-related procedure done last week and healing from it is more annoying than I expected. Plus it’s on my back and it’s basically impossible for me to accurately replace the band-aid, so Jose has to help me. Marriage FTW, right?
Ten minutes before dinner tonight, both girls were crying (because I don’t even know why) and in the midst of her fit, Charlotte ended up both slapping and scratching me as I tried to calm her down. I reacted in a way that I’m not proud of. Oof. Parenting. It’s hard sometimes. (So yeah, she seems happier and relaxed to be home but clearly not 100% of the time.)
I’ve been feeling pretty socially isolated in recent months, yet have not taken any steps to address this — you know, like inviting people over or initiating social activities. This has never been my strong suit, and continues to be something that I want to do better but don’t. Or can’t. Or won’t. I’m not really sure. And yet despite wishing I saw friends more often, I also find myself just constantly wanting time to myself. So basically my brain is at completely opposite ends of the spectrum at the exact same time.
The physical state of our household — stuff everywhere, despite my repeated attempts to corral it/throw it away — has driving me absolutely bonkers for quite some time now. I’ve been around the block enough to know that being greatly bothered by our stuff or despairing about something like the floor being littered with kid toys are both symptoms. Those feelings are almost always a sign that something else is bugging me.
But here are some things that have been good:
I still love going to Orange Theory for a workout once per week. And now that we’re getting back to a normal schedule, I can get back to running a couple times per week as well. I honestly couldn’t remember if I signed up for the 2018 half marathon so I looked myself up the other day and nope — I didn’t sign up. It’s sold out now. Overall I’m ok with that after several recent years of signing up then not running, but I may look for another, smaller half marathon in the same time frame. One that I could sign up for kinda last minute if my running goes well through the fall.
I finished my Long Time Gone quilt top and I absolutely LOVE it. This is the first time I’ve ever made a quilt that is 100% for me and I’m excited to get it basted and quilted and be able to snuggle with it soon.
Emma has really been enjoying art, and draws several pictures nearly every day after school. At least 50% of them are pictures of Trolls characters because she is legit obsessed with that movie right now — but even so, these are GOOD drawings for a not-quite-5-year-old, right? I’m blown away by what she’s producing right now. She’s not even looking at a picture for reference anymore, but just drawing it straight out of her head.
Charlotte had a few super rough days in Seattle. She’s always been on the clingy side, but it didn’t occur to me until we got home that maybe being in a strange house with strange people was stressful for her. (Those “strange” people are related to her, yes, but nonetheless “strangers” since the last time we’d seen my sister and her family was more than a year ago when Charlotte was still a baby.) Things got better as our week progressed but since getting home, she seems happier in general. I’d even go as far as saying she seems relaxed, and that’s not usually a word I’d use to describe a toddler!
Summer in south Texas has awesome clouds — see above for only one of many examples I could have shown you from the last several days. I took that snap on Tuesday morning at the end of my run. I like how one set of clouds is casting a shadow on another set of clouds.
And I think that’s plenty for tonight, eh?