Well, Emily is in San Diego and I am better rested after taking her to the airport and then coming home for another four and a half hours of sleep. We talked about all sorts of funny things in the car…spring break plans, and feelings about being at Stanford, and stuff. Emily has some quirky qualities about her that I never thought I would like, but as a whole, I am really glad she has become my friend. Sometimes my conservativeness needs breaking down. Anyway, in three hours I get to go have Thanksgiving in the student union. I guess it’s better than nothing.
I was settling into bed early last night when my cell phone rang….Christina! We talked for two solid hours; we finally hung up when she laughed and said “I just looked at the clock and it’s almost 4 a.m. here!” I miss talking to her. I like the way I don’t feel like I have to hold anything back when I’m with her.
It’s funny how in the past I have always avoided the telephone, preferring to either talk face to face or through the computer (the latter being the much more likely situation because I am a big fraidy-cat). But now, I find myself always anticipating the next time my phone will ring, and the next time I will get to talk to an absent friend.
There are things in my life that I need to leave behind, ideas that I need to get over. I have a bad habit of picturing the way I want things to be, and of course it is impossible for life to ever turn out exactly the way you wanted it to. For a few minutes, Christina was giving me relationship advice. See the thing about me is that I don’t jump into relationships — hell I don’t even tiptoe into relationships — easily. I am great at being friendly and funny, but the minute something begins to show signs of a relationship, I lose control of all rational thought and freak out. And run away. I am not sure if that’s what I’m doing right now or not.
Most of my problems and fears are rooted in my many insecurities, and some days I think I am really improving. I like Stanford and despite all my complaints about the workload, I feel like I am getting another good education, and learning a lot more than I did the first time around at Tech. Though I miss Atlanta terribly, one thing I have learned over the years is that I am “better” when I am pretty much on my own. I know that “better” is a relative term, but what I really mean is that when I’m living more independently — like I do in houston, like I am here — I become a more even-keeled person. I feel much more stable. And so lately, I have been feeling both happy and sad, happy because my life seems calmer, but sad because I miss my close friends.
Of course on some days, I am a hopeless cause. But the good days come more often than the bad now, which is a definite improvement over last year.
Anyway, I apologize for the cryptic nature of that little aside. It isn’t directed at anyone but me, believe it or not. Hey — this is my journal after all.
In any case. I have formed this obsession with crossword puzzles lately. I do the one in the Daily every day, sometimes successfully, more often unsuccessfully, and sometimes I do them online too. Emily says Will Shortz, the guy who edits the New York Times crossword, is her hero. I am worried he is about to become my hero too. It’s a strange obsession.